Have you ever wanted something so bad you would do anything to get it? That is the place where I am. I am sad... speechless... I don't brace against the pain anymore, I try to absorb it... I feel it making me numb... I don't want to be numb... I want to learn from it... I want it to grow me closer to God, but it is hard to endure. I love Ana more than I ever thought it possible to love. I want to take away her physical pain... I want her to experience "normal" here... here on earth. I am scared of what the future holds... I am scared of what is next... I am scared of central lines ...and hospital stays... and seeing her hurt. How did Job do it? How do you watch someone you love die? I know we are all going to die physically someday, it's a part of living, it just somehow makes it easier to cope with when you think of it as an elderly thing. These last two days shed a lot of light on things. The load doesn't become lighter... it gets heavier... it is impossible to carry it by myself... knowing that, I still find myself trying to carry it alone...
I opened my Bible tonight and found myself in Job... Chapter 23 to be exact...
Job longs for God
1Then Job replied,
2"Even today my complaint is rebellion;
His hand is heavy despite my groaning.
3"Oh that I knew where I might find Him,
That I might come to His seat!
4"I would present my case before Him
And fill my mouth with arguments.
5"I would learn the words which He would answer,
And perceive what He would say to me.
6"Would He contend with me by the greatness of His power?
No, surely He would pay attention to me.
7"There the upright would reason with Him;
And I would be delivered forever from my Judge.
8"Behold, I go forward but He is not there,
And backward, but I cannot perceive Him;
9When He acts on the left, I cannot behold Him;
He turns on the right, I cannot see Him.
10"But He knows the way I take;
When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.
11"My foot has held fast to His path;
I have kept His way and not turned aside.
12"I have not departed from the command of His lips;
I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my necessary food.
13"But He is unique and who can turn Him?
And what His soul desires, that He does.
14"For He performs what is appointed for me,
And many such decrees are with Him.
15"Therefore, I would be dismayed at His presence;
When I consider, I am terrified of Him.
16"It is God who has made my heart faint,
And the Almighty who has dismayed me,
17But I am not silenced by the darkness,
Nor deep gloom which covers me.
I wan to present my case before Him... I want Him to "rule" in my favor... in Ana's favor! I am longing for God... God performs what is appointed to me... God will carry me through... I don't want to be numb... I just have to keep looking at Him. I have to keep Him in focus... I have to "allow" Him to carry the load.
Pray for a cure.