Tuesday, February 5, 2013

A Song, Really?

    Have you ever heard a song that stopped you in your tracks? Made you think... that's my life he's singing about... how does he know what I went through and am going through? God is capable of bringing us comfort in ways we never could imagine. 
    The song you hear playing is a song I heard a year or so ago that stopped me in my tracks. I was amazed at the lyrics... thankful for them... for a song that gives comfort to me and others going through similar situations. 
    When I listen to the lyrics I have flashbacks of my pregnancy with Ana. The ultrasound that "proved" her imminent death. The three doctors being called into the room to verify the results. The ultrasound technician cleaning the warm gel off my belly and asking me to go wait in the waiting room... I didn't know what to think... what to say... why they were all concerned. I wasn't a christian at the time... I had no idea that Jesus Christ died for ALL of my sins... I had no idea that there was nothing I could do to earn my room in that mansion in heaven. I was hopeless... scared... insecure... 
    Then my name was called and I was taken to a small office with a desk and three chairs. I sat in one... a lady came in and introduced herself as a genetic counselor and sat in the chair at the desk... the other chair remained empty... I was alone... or so I thought. You see, God was there... waiting to protect His unborn baby... waiting to work in Ana's life before we ever knew her. The genetic counselor recommended a couple more test to confirm the results of the ultrasound... a blood test and an amniocentesis... I consented to the blood test and for some unknown reason at the time (I now know God orchestrated this...) declined the amnio... she then said that if the results confirmed the thought diagnosis, Cytomegalovirus, termination of the pregnancy would be the best option. The whole interview took my breath away... how could this be happening... the blood was drawn and I was sent home with a follow-up appointment the next week. 
   When the dreaded day came, I was sat in the same room and was given the results... CMV positive... I had Cytomegalovirus and it was "definitely" harming the baby. I was then told the baby would not make it to term and if she did she would be deaf & blind or even worse... brain dead. The counselor asked me if I wanted to set up an appointment to terminate the pregnancy... I knew right then that I couldn't... I knew there was a God... though I didn't have a personal relationship with him... I knew there was a Creator and that it wasn't me... I knew it was the Creator's decision and not mine to make. I declined the termination. I was 18 weeks pregnant by this time, but I knew life began at conception... I knew a baby was a baby whether in the womb or out of the womb... I knew abortion was murder.
    I was then placed on a schedule for stress testing and ultrasounds twice a week. Week by week showed more and more problems with the baby. Her bowels were severely calcified, my placenta was severely calcified and limiting the nutrients she was getting, my amniotic fluid was low, her growth was  slowed, she didn't practice her breathing in the womb (did you know they check that?), her heart rate did not accelerate and decelerate like it was suppose to on the monitor... things were looking bad... very, very bad. Then came week 23... this appointment was different... this time two doctors came in as I was getting my ultrasound... two people to attempt to talk me into terminating my pregnancy. They told me they could terminate up to 24 weeks if I changed my mind. They reiterated how bad the situation was... how bad it would be to carry this baby to term... how hard her life would be if she did survive birth...
    All I could think is... "I want to give her the world... I want to hold her hand... I want to be her mom for as long as I can.... I want to live every moment until that day comes... I want to show her what it means to be loved!" 
    I remember praying for my baby... pleading with God for her life... 
    I remember the last ultrasound. The room was dark... the technician was quiet... After a few minutes she told me she needed to get the doctor... I was 36 weeks at this time. The doctor came in and took a look and some measurements and said my fluid was very low and it was time to deliver. He offered to check lung maturity but warned me that CMV usually prevents the lungs from maturing. The amniocentesis confirmed his suspicion... Ana's lungs were not mature and delivery was unavoidable. I refused to let the perinatologist deliver (another moment clearly orchestrated by the Creator Himself!) and was sent back to my OB/GYN. My OB and I had a respect for one another and he agreed to talk with the perinatologist. My OB decided the longest he could give me was 10 days. See Ana's lungs were not just immature... they were abnormally immature for a 36 week old fetus. The perinatologist said her lungs would not mature. 
    God gave Ana 10 days because He knew how and when He wanted to bring her into the world. He knew which doctor He wanted... which hospital... which day... He knew the time. God said to Jeremiah, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you..." God knows us before we are formed in the womb! God's timing is perfect.
    God brought Ana into the world screaming! Her lungs were fully mature! She could see and hear! She even tested negative for CMV. I know now that God didn't want me to know right away what her diagnosis was. He wanted to use her "undiagnosed" state to bring me to Himself. Ana wasn't diagnosed until she was 3 years old, 6 months after I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Savior. God knew Ana had Mitochondrial Disease... He knew she would be dependent on a feeding tube... He knew she would be smart... He knew her before she was formed in the womb... and He loved me enough to give her to me that through her life I might come to know Him.

Ana's Birth January 14, 2004
    I love this song and the memories that come flooding back when I hear it.


*The song is no longer on her blog, but the name is What It Means To Be Loved by Mark Schultz! 

1 comment:

  1. Oh how similar our stories are! I remember the day when I was 36 weeks pregnant when our doctors told us our daughter had been affected by CMV. Blessings to you!

    Wish you were on Fcaebook and could enjoy the support of CMV Mommies -- a closed group of over 450 moms (dads and gandparents, too)with children affected by CMV.